I'll still post my private and/or whiny crap here. (Protected, usually.) But if you want to read funny Dan's stuff, or just generally wish to be more "entertained" than "whinged at", you should go here: http://piratedan.com/blog/ Bear in mind that I do not promise that it will be SFW. There may be pictures of boobs and/or butts. Or other things-- the future is, as yet, unforetold!

Well, that took too many years to finally do: http://piratedan.com/blog/ (Thanks to SLD)

Got dumped tonight. I figure that since the whole purpose of LJ is for people to whine, I might be required to post about it.

I'm probably also requited to put on mascara and sit in the dark listening to Patiohead, bemoaning how nobody understands the pain of my life or some shit. F that.

Also, I have a slightly ingrown fingernail that hurts a tiny bit-- will the hellish torture of my blackened, pain-wracked existence never cease?!?!

The cheesy, optimistic, and very uncharacteristic phrase I came up with today?

"They are called 'setbacks' not 'turn-backs'."

If that sounds way too chipper and upbeat coming from me, imagine that I used it to encourage myself to try roasting a second bacon-wrapped infant after the first one got a bit burnt.

The term "EarthBoom" (or "Earthboom" or "Earth Boom") that we have been using for years might get referenced in an mmorpg. Tee hee.

Three reasons I could be gay:
1. I know what bell sleeves are
2. I don't watch sports
3. I notice when women change their hair.

Three reasons I'm actually not gay, in ascending order of importance:
3. I'm not into dudes.
2. I am into chicks.
1. I fucking hate broadway musicals.

After the recent dating debacle, I figured I should "get back on the horse".

I ended up wasting about two hours spread out throughout today talking to this somewhat cool seeming woman. Things were okay, but after a whlie, the alarms started going off, albeit quietly. I think my whackjob-dar might be getting better.
After all that time, I get pictures from her... and she's fat. Not "large". Not "curvy". Not "could lose twenty pounds. She's all-out fat. There are many things our culture tells us are requirements for beauty and I'm happy to take those with a grain of salt or ignore them entirely. Sadly, however, while I don't have a problem with a few extra pounds or anything like that, I'm not attracted to women who are just plain fat. So I tell her "sorry, not my type". I didn't say why, but neither of us was naïve enough to pretend it was anything other than the 60-80 extra pounds she was carrying.

And that's when she started getting all angry at me. Now, I'm proud that I really didn't engage-- I didn't let her draw me into some silly argument or insult fight. She got very accusatory and pointed out that I hadn't listed body type in what I was looking for. At this point, if I had found her attractive, this would have kicked the alarms into high gear and I still would have been done with her. I resisted the temptation to say "Hey, don't blame me, nuttycakes! I didn't say it because you'd listed your body type as 'medium'. This wouldn't have been a problem if you hadn't claimed 'medium build' which you clearly are not. Instead, you should have listed your build as 'Fat. Very fat. As in: a scone's throw from obese' which is much more accurate."

And, yes, this post was mostly just so I could bust out that "scones's throw" line.

A girl I know makes these hair clip thingies that you can buy. Obviously I have no use for any such thing, but I'll all about trying to help a friend out.

Also, if, by some chance, you do buy something from her, tell her I sent you. There's probably a drink in it for me if that happens.

Another IM with Sue

Dan: I don't know the other girl you mentioned. But I remember you talking about her before. "Redheaded, dirrrrrty nurse". Right. I remember. I fell in love a bit. As I recall she is straight but she's married or only likes skinny guys, or only dates guys not named dan or some other not typical reason why we wouldn't be a match.

Sue: She's a republican. But I can tell she likes her martinis and sex the same way: dirrrrrty.

Dan: I realize that this is kind of predictable, but I'd be willing to try to fuck the republicanism out of her. Especially if she's dirrrrty like you say, she might be into that thick-cut bacon and those omelettes with the unconventional-but-really-delicious ingredients.. I think I might have a problem confusing hot sex with great brunch.

IM conversation between me and a friend. I'll call the friend "Sue", mostly because that's her name:


Dan: I met a girl on Sunday that I would have stabbed my grandpa to get with her. (He's dead, so I don't think he'd begrudge me.)

Sue: And the result is... did you get digits?

Dan: Nope. Completely fumbled it. On the plus side, while I'm sad about that, because she was the kind of girl I could spend a month [insert long and graphic list of activities that are mostly deviant sexual acts, but occasionally in-depth descriptions of really fantastic brunches, the really brilliant ones with the terrific food that make you want to eat brunch all day, every day. Like with the really quality bacon-- not that "chafing dish filled with greasy, low-quality, deep-fried bacon"-- and the made-on-the-spot Belgian waffles with real maple syrup.], I'm not actually beating myself up over it. Sure I fumbled it, but I don't think it would have worked even if I'd been "perfect", so in the end, it wasn't anything I did. And I didn't embarrass myself or act like a jerk, so it's all good.

Dan's neologism for today: prosticute.

Don't ask, I don't know.

I do know that it came from combining "preposterously" and "cute", so it's sort of an anti-portmanteau.

Second neologism of the day: a word that is created by combining two other words but means the opposite of what you'd think should be called a mortpanteau. In case it ever comes up....

I fully intend to live long enough that I can say "Ah, yeah, I remember the eighties, too. Wait... which eighties do you mean?"

I ask that you vote for me. And get your friends to vote for me. I could win money and shit.

Today's menu was created by Dr. BadPlan.

I has a pigeon.

I recently had to describe somebody to somebody else. I knew they'd probably never meet, but I wanted to be as accurate as possible. I ended up recruiting a second person for a second opinion.

It got me curious.

If you had to describe me in 1-2 paragraphs to somebody who had never met me, and might or might not ever meet me, what would you write?

Comments are screened (I think) and, as you should know by now, you're not likely to offend me, regardless of what you write.

From a text message from a friend. She knows who she is:

"No matter how cute they are, they're still ... scum. Diseased scum. Accept to rimjobs!"

It makes more sense in context, but it's funnier this way.

The sign at the eternally busy Trader Joe's right near Union Square says "Twelve items or fewer".

Fewer!! Not "less", "fewer"!!!!

One more reason to love Trader Joe's!!

Just on the outside chance that anybody here can help:

I'm looking to get an Airport card for my Mac Qube. (I like to spell it "Qube" instead of "Cube". It seems an Apple-y thing to do) Unfortunately for me
the newer Airport Extreme wireless cards are smaller, better, more available a third of the price of the older and busteder Airport ("Airport Moderate"?) wireless cards. Guess which one words in my computer.

I haven't been able to find any online from vendors that I know and trust. I may have to go the ebay/craiglsit route.

If you have one and don't use it and would be willing to sell (or give) it to me, let me know. Or if you have friend in the same position....


Actually, while I'm on the topic, srisydasti is looking for one, too, if that helps in any way.

I think I may use the term "chunk of carbon" instead of the more common "gem" name.

I don't have many beliefs. But i have one or two.